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[14 May 2012|10:36am] |
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so tired. ok today will be a better day anyway. i remind myself of someone i really dislike yucks, its time to not take school so seriously. yucks never.
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[08 May 2012|12:53am] |
Perhaps this trepidation and sense of being swallowed should be savored - for I always find myself reviewing it after its over. Or completely shove aside and take a step out of this motherfuckin whorl, be a boss and then get onto it.
- Shel Silverstein
There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.
Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.
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[14 Apr 2012|06:27am] |
this is such a good song. vero the beautiful and nice girl sang this.
it's so much frustration that i have to deal with, day to day, with myself. more than 5 years ago i felt like i was bursting with a million things, and here i am... bursting at my seams, in a very un-sexual way. my head is bursting, my heart is bursting.
the beautiful thing about this messy, private implosion is that at the very same time i feel more level-headed than ever, and i couldn't ask for more. to be grounded is a blessing for me because i never am. to need direction, however, is another thing altogether. get my head around it get my act together.
one thing i came to be aware of myself is how rudely dependent i seem to be. i can see how my own mother treats me, like a boy. i see myself being so agressive, increasingly: i'll smile, nod and say yes, but go ahead doing what the fuck ever i wanted to do in the first place anyway. well somewhere (very front) in my mind there is a motto going "no one's going to take care of you, so you have to". i'm not quite sure who did their bid to plant this distrust this in me: my father? my uncles? some of the people around me? but i'm very sure of the tiny bit where i've convinced myself of this, because of how selfish i am as well. i learnt from myself about how selfish people can get.
sometime soon, it'll be time to learn a musical instrument to play for my best friends' wedding.
Abdul Kalam said this: "the dream is not what you see in sleep, dream is which does not let you sleep" and gosh how true is that? i'm happy, very happy in fact and cherish this but it gnaws away at me all the time.
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[27 Mar 2012|10:11pm] |
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no one should fully allow themselves to be judgmental with others. even kids have so much we can admire off of them. but its too much work/attention. idk sleepy anyway, its so much more simpler to dislike, disregard. but so much more rewarding to notice, admire and acknowledge, no? again, i don't know. but optimism is a dazzling gem, says Carné. it's right and we should treasure it and never let it dull. for now ican hardly open my eyes or legs for that matter
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[26 Mar 2012|08:38pm] |
Oh so vacuous. not life.
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[17 Mar 2012|10:32pm] |
"Once I've got them figured out, it's boring for me and I just feel tired towards them"
Happy St Patrick's Day!
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[11 Mar 2012|11:48pm] |
Dreams of little girls are a little more otherworldly and vague; one has dreamt of having sex every night since she was eleven, another of sailing around the Pacifics amidst mermaids shrouded in sea foam, and I think i dreamt of this video's landscapes from time to time. At my house hung a large oil painting of fields of lavenders with vulgar gnarly trees crouching at its perimeters. Always thought it looked like a place where nymphos would nest, where vultures preyed from time to time. It made me queasy but I always thought about it. I was kind of fascinated.
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[04 Mar 2012|10:19pm] |
this song makes me so fucking sad but makes me jiggy to it as well. but happy too, sometimes
isn't the bass just enchanting?
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[03 Mar 2012|07:46pm] |
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Simply cannot stand people nowadays. Very little people. I feel like i can see right through them and it's yucky. Its time i get my period, its been over 2 months and my tits are painful.
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[01 Mar 2012|12:31am] |
Many people have thought me a lot about modesty, they were often the unlikeliest of sources. Modesty is about yeah, not flaunting what you have, having quiet confidence not jarring overbearance blah bla blah. But modesty is also about not laughing at others when they have gone overboard, or when noticing the nouveau riche, especially not if you were one yourself. It seems to me more about tact and saving others' grace... somehow.
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[27 Feb 2012|04:14am] |
Every year on my moleskin, I've been writing an all encompassing to-do, a one-liner. Last year's was "To hang on to a legitimate source of self-validation", all set with a cursive hand. Can't remember what 2010's was, but it might have been something like "Get the perfect body and fix thy face" or "Stop eating", and the year before that might have been something like "Make sure boyfriend doesn't hate me" or something. It was bad, but at least I've got a start: I'm proud of 2011. Well we all grow up, don't we? Now I realize that no one solution fits it all, its a combo-deal of several working in tandem, that's gonna work for you and keep you sane. It's gonna be you first spotting, and then juggling these gems without dropping them behind. And if you can manage, pull a swagga whilst at it.
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[25 Feb 2012|06:37am] |
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"When we have worn the interest we once took in death, when we realize we have nothing more to gain from it, we fall back on birth, we turn to a much more inexhaustible abyss."
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[25 Feb 2012|06:18am] |
My dog goodie, as with almost all small/toy-dog breeds, is blessed with the small-dog syndrome - he thinks he's the king of the castle despite his being 1/11th of our height and stature. That's because we baby that little fucker. He's blind to his size, he really is. He can't see his shadows, and if neither can we, perhaps we'd be much better off. But if you aren't and can't, you would also have to be able to step out and see others cripples; because parading around with your faults like you're the only one with it is just, foolish. It's disgusting. It's called being blind. Over 2 years of being friends with this dude has made me that much more self-aware about things like this.
So here I am, wondering how people like these ever get real friends and the privilege of having life long friends. Perhaps this might be quite a bitter pill for me to swallow, because I simply can't understand.
Maybe all this was written because tonight has got to be the most heartbroken I've ever been, but writing about it surely helps. Sleepy tighty whitey
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[23 Feb 2012|03:56am] |
So in the kitchen whilst helping mum hang clothes I was singing my own cover of Walking on a Dream, and I thought it was pretty good. Like I'd hit jackpot or something, I was ecstatic because it sounded so different and just kept coming out of me; it was something because my singing is horrendous, and I always just hum anyway. Had to search for the best cover though, and here it is, a chilly and glacial twist on its lyrics:
"Everyone can be 'nice'. Every fucking one can be nice because it's much easier and salving to their conscience when they are 'nice'. When I am being mean to you, my best friend, and am being honest, my dearest fucking best friend, it's because I know and hope you can take my tantrums and the morsels of truth that shit is stained with. Maybe you're gonna fail the test, because I won't do it without a reason, I don't pull this on a regular basis on you. So if you want a nice friend go ahead and get that friend, I hope they care for you as well."
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[22 Feb 2012|04:11am] |
This is pretty weird, and everyone probably has a particular location or image flashing or recurring to them time and again; mine are the streets of a Gotham-like city, slick with rain a few hours before, drulling and glowing with sparse neon lights here and there, at night. I don't know, maybe I'll be at this place alone, sometime soon when I am not scared of the future. I'll be hearing this song whilst I'm there, and be proud and happy of how things have turned out. Hope so
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[21 Feb 2012|03:32am] |
My mother is one of the prime examples, as are 2 of my closest friends' mothers, of giving it all up in the name of family. I mean, caring for your family is one thing but struggling for it even when there seems to be not much fun or evident security in it for you, is entirely something else. These mothers did not, and perhaps still don't know if we would look after them, if their sacrifice and time spent on bringing us up was worth it. But they keep at it anyway, and this seems to be the sole purpose they are working towards. Will I be like that? I doubt it, I don't honestly know but I don't want to end up like that: I am stubborn, and somewhere in my mind there is a vague, but beautifully corresponding idea where everything falls in place, where I strike a perfect balance between my family and my own life.
George (from "Blow"): So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door.
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[18 Feb 2012|06:17am] |
Sleepless again :/ plop!
If I ever make it in life, which I will, it will only be due to a group of angels who carried me through.
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[16 Feb 2012|02:58am] |
Today something horrible happened. It's always a cruel cold splash of water when you get involved with the law.
Thus a detox is in order. Not so much ciggies, not much alcohol, and no lies nor indecisiveness. No more lies, not even white lies. Wakey wakey
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| ty mi corazón |
[15 Feb 2012|06:05am] |
I love V-day, and it really does belong to singles like us more than it does to couples, I think. Spent the day with my sister and mums and V. Bought sister a pink rose, and sent some songs to faraway friends. I love my friends, and my teeny family, and well, isn't V day just an arbitrary day to express some lurve? :) Roses, chocolates, red and pink glitter and kisses, I love it all. Me gusta todo!
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[09 Feb 2012|07:05am] |
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You know what I HATE, absolutely abhor about myself? How fucking tactless, obnoxious i can get sometimes. I get so childish it's embarrassing. It's like I haven't any foresight at all. People around me carry themselves much more measuredly, whereas I'm a simple-minded fool (FOOL, I TELL YOU) who just bulldozes her way through lies and jokes. Well it's never mean-spirited, and I'd like to think people will be alright with it, but who am I kidding? Not everyone is as immature as me. I have more or less forgotten some social etiquette along the way, anyway its much better to be guarded and adult. Around new people, of course.
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lollygagging's journal